Everytime I get in the "zone" and think that I am finally winning this battle, reaching the top of the hill, something happens and I find myself back down at the bottom, maybe even a little lower than where I started.
It really does suck, being fat. If I were happy being fat, that would be fine, but unfortunately, it's miserable. Not all the time, just some of the time. You know, the awake part. It is such a huge, all-consuming problem. One that so much of the time seems impossible to fight, much less win.
I have kept this blog, on and off, for several years, and yet here I am, probably the same size I was when I started it. I'm almost afraid to go back and check, for fear that I'm even bigger than I was!
Right now I have a few major issues. The first one being that I am baking again! Baking too much. Cookies, cupcakes, cake pops, pancakes...all stuff that I tell myself are for the kids (who don't need it either!), but I'm the one who ends up eating it! When I have crap around, I fall back into the sneaking food thing, which depresses me and makes me feel even worse, which makes me eat more crap. I swear that being fat/obese is a disease, because there are actions that I just cannot control. And it's scary! Some will say it's a matter of will power, but there is more to it than that, there is no doubt in my mind.
My second issue right now is exercise. Or not wanting to exercise. I know if I started again I'd be happy, but for now I don't WANT to get up in the morning and hit the Y. And that makes me mad too, LOL! I want to want to go, like I did when I first started working out. I got out of the habit when Sam had surgery and it's near impossible to get back into it.
I want to join WW again, but money prohibits it for now. Hoping I can in the near future...I do so love the meetings and the "me" time...it works for me too! And it's across the street from the Y, so I could work in a workout...hard to find an excuse when it's looking you in the face as you leave a weight loss meeting!
For now, though, small goals. I bought a new water bottle that holds 64oz. I am going to drink it every day this week. That may not sound like much, but for me, it would be a huge step in the right direction. And right now, every one of those steps are important.
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