Monday, April 7, 2014

What an amazing journey!

What a difference a few weeks can make!  Not only in a person physically, but in a person mentally and emotionally. 

Just reading about how I felt following that first workout almost brings me to tears now, 12 weeks later.  I was so unhappy and scared.  Even in my last post, I was still scared.  You know what though?  I'm not scared anymore.  In the last 12 weeks, my body has been through so much.  Bear crawls, flipping 220 pound tires, jogging laps carrying smaller tires, completing a 5k, actually jogging my first entire mile (actually 1.25 miles, and YES, you better believe I'm counting!), burpees, running the hills around the clock tower, pushups, blood & guts, and so many more things that I can't even remember to list.  It has been the most unbelievably hard 12 weeks of my life, physically.  But you know what?  I got through it.  Not only did I get through it, I ENJOYED it.  Yes, I can honestly say that I am looking back over my last 12 weeks in EFM with a huge smile, and maybe even a tear at the thought of it ending.

I have learned so much more than just how to perform exercises over this past 3 months.  I have learned that no matter what you throw at me, no matter how hard it is, I CAN DO IT.  There is nothing that this body can't do.  And here is where the biggest lesson has come into play.  Can I do things faster than you?  Probably not.  Will I finish first?  I can pretty much guarantee that's a no.  But IT DOESN'T MATTER!  That's right.  I'm not competing against Sam or Shayna or Cindy or any of the others.  I'm only competing against myself!  Is it fun finishing after everyone else?  No, but I've also learned that it's not nearly as big a deal as I thought it was to start with.  I know that I am doing it correctly, I am not cheating on my number of reps, and I'm doing it better than I did yesterday.  And THAT'S what matters.  I would far rather be finishing last, knowing that I've done my workout than finishing before others, knowing that I skipped a few reps here and there.  The fear that I felt before workouts fell by the wayside once I realized that there really wasn't anything else that they could throw at me that they hadn't already.  No matter what it is, it's do-able.  It may not be done fast and it may not be look pretty, but by God I CAN DO IT!

Our videographer asked last week if we are happy with where are in our journey.  I had to tell him that I had a split answer.  When I was chosen, on the one hand, I was so excited and hoped to have lost a ton of weight at the end of 12 weeks and look healthy/skinny, even though I knew it wasn't going to happen in just 12 weeks.  On the other hand, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to keep up and that I wouldn't lose weight at all.  Being where I am now, smaller and stronger than I've ever been in my adult life, I can't help but be so proud...but no matter where you are, there's always that little voice reminding you that you could've done better.  I'm getting better at shutting that voice up though.  ;)

Our finale is in about 10 days.  We get to dress up and show everyone how much our bodies have changed.  I have to say that I'm really excited about that.  As a stay at home mom and substitute teacher, dressing up is not something I get to do often.  I'm excited to see what size I fit into now.  I've officially lost 26 pounds, 4% body fat and 30-something inches.  That was as of our last weigh in.  I saw my dr last week and he said I weigh less than I have in the 16 years that I've been seeing him.  It's nice to be congratulated for my weight!

As much weight as I have lost, I have gained so much more!  I have gained a new amazing family of teammates and trainers...people who believe in me!  And that's such a fantastic feeling.  I have gained the knowledge that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was.  I have gained self-confidence, something that I have always been seriously lacking.  I have gained the knowledge to train my body to do what I want it to do.  I know now that my body is a lot stronger than my mind ever imagined, and that's a pretty cool thing to realize.

It makes me sad to read my first post about EFM, because I realize just how scared and weak I felt then.  But I hope that when they choose the EFM contestants next year and they go through their first day, come home in tears feeling like a failure, they will search for previous contestants and they will see what I wrote about MY first night.  And that they will then read this and see that it WILL get better.  Next year, Sam and I both hope to be back volunteering with EFM, helping 10 new people get their lives back.  Because that's what EFM has done for us...it gave us our lives back! 

Monday, February 3, 2014

3 weeks down, the rest of my life to go!

Yes, we have finished three weeks of EFM.  Sort of.  I say sort of because we only went two days in week three because of snow, so those other days are being tacked on at the end, but that's all good.  And yes, expect this blog to be very wordy, because there's a lot to be said about the last 3 weeks.  :) 

I know I said I was going to update on a regular basis here on my blog, but honestly I haven't had the time.  It's been super stressful around here lately, though I guess that can be said for anyone, anywhere.

I'm sure you are curious as to whether my opinion of the EFM has changed.  Well, yes and no.  Is it still hard?  Oh hell yeah.  We still go from the minute we walk in the gym until the hour (and sometimes more) is over.  I still struggle with doing the bear crawl.  I must brag that just two short weeks after the terrible experience I described in my last blog entry, I completed 6 bear crawls, each the length of the one I struggled with so terribly.  It took me longer than everyone else in the gym, I struggled more with it than everyone else in the gym, but you know what?  I DID IT.  While I was doing it, I was feeling terrible, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well, wondering why I couldn't do what everyone else seemed to find so easy.  I felt like the weak link of a chain that is getting stronger by the day.  But then you know what?  When my husband and Brian got down on all 4's on either side of me to finish my last one with me, and as my friends cheered for me as I finished with that last crawl,  I realized that I was thinking about it all wrong.  Yes, I struggle with bear crawl.  But you know what?  Sam struggles with hip thrusts while balancing his feet on a medicine ball.  And every single other person in that gym struggles with something too.  And when they are taking longer than the rest of us, or struggling to get their last few reps, I don't look at them with disdain and think how weak they are...I look at them with awe and respect and love and think of how freakin proud I am of them for pushing through and getting it done!  I cheer them on to finish what they are doing, and then celebrate with them when they are finished. 

The workouts are every bit as hard as they were the first day.  But as each day passes, we are all getting a little stronger.  We find ourselves smiling some during workouts.  Laughing, even.  And where the first week, as soon as we were done we all headed for our cars to recover, we have noticed that the recovery doesn't take as long, and we hang around and talk and discuss the evening.

The worst part of workouts (at least what I think of as the worst as I sit here in my warm chair cuddled up with my laptop, LOL), is the fact that they are being recorded.  Videoed.  Not even sure of the right word to use anymore!  Yes, we have a cameraman in our faces, recording every second of our misery.  Well, not every second, but several nights a week anyway.  I was scared to death to watch the video from the first week.  Because I knew he was in my face as I struggled with that bear crawl.  But I watched it.  And it made me cry.  And it made me mad.  And I wished I hadn't watched it.

Last night I watched the video from Week 2 and the one from Week 3.  And it made me sit back and really look at what I have accomplished the last few weeks.  The first week video made me ashamed and embarrassed...not only to be struggling so mightily, but to have gotten into the shape that I was in that made it necessary to be there on camera. The second and third videos were different though.  Was I still embarrassed?  Sure.  But I knew I would still be fat...that doesn't change in three weeks time.  And I still struggle every night with workouts.  That probably won't every change.  But I see the person in the newer videos differently.  I see a determination that wasn't there in the first video.  In the first video I looked lost, scared and uncertain.  In the newer videos, I look like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and that I know that and am fine with it.  And this is really how I feel.

I haven't mentioned much about my team, because I don't know that they would want me to go into much detail about them.  But I do want to say that they are the most amazing group of people that I have ever had the privilege of getting to know.  From watching previous seasons of EFM videos, I knew that we would become friends.  I had no idea just how close we would get, and how fast it would happen.  I truly love, admire and respect every single one of these people.  We are all so different, and yet we were brought together by the one thing that we all have in common ~ our weight/health.  And now we have two things in common...our weight/health and the fact that we are working our tails off to improve our weight/health! 

And I figure I will end by sharing how our first weigh in/body fat/measurements went.  In 3 weeks, I lost 10 pounds, 2.1% body fat and 16.75 inches!  Sam lost 21 pounds (OMG!), 1.2% body fat and 14.75 inches!  It's an amazing achievement, and while I can't yet see a difference in myself, the difference in Sam and in my teammates is astounding, and I am so excited to continue to see these changes in everyone.

And like my post title said...we have 3 weeks down, and the rest of our lives to go!!!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Extreme Fitness Makeover 2014 ~ Day 1

If you look back, you will see that my last post was over a year ago, and it was about a contest that I entered called the "Extreme Fitness Makeover."  Well, my husband and I both made it to the interview session of that, but neither was chosen.  

However.

Fast forward one year, and we applied again.  Knowing good and well that we wouldn't get chosen, but not being able to come up with any good reason NOT to apply.  We were called in for interviews again.  And unlike last year, this year, they chose both of us!  We are the first married couple to compete in the Extreme Fitness Makeover.  

We are required to blog about our experiences on the EFM FB page, and I will gladly do that.  However, as my past blog posts will show, I am very wordy.  I like to express myself.  Because of that, I am going to blog here about my experiences as well, and document them as detailed as possible so that I can come back and read about what we were going through once the 12 weeks is over.

We went in on Sunday to have our "before" pictures taken and for them to do our beginning weights and measurements.  That was painful.  Seriously.  Painful.  

Or so we thought.

Ya know, we knew it wasn't going to be easy.  That's a given.  If it was easy, everyone would be doing it, we would all be thin and healthy and there would be no reason for contests like "The Biggest Loser" and our "Extreme Fitness Makeover."  

But holy guacamole folks...never could I have expected last night.  So here it is.  In detail.  If you are in shape, you may laugh at this.  Just remember, this is a group of 10 obese, completely out of shape (I'm talking can't go up a flight of stairs without needing oxygen) people. (Some of us are old too, which doesn't help, LOL!)

We get there and are told to just walk the length of the gym warehouse to warm up.  It's maybe 75 yards, no big deal.  We walk it half a dozen times or so.  Then the trainers came in and had us run the length of the warehouse and come back to the middle...ok.  They immediately took us into jumping jacks.  Real jumping jacks with hand claps in the middle.  It was about this time that I looked at Sam and thought "what in the hell have I gotten myself into?  I can't get through the warm up!"  Went from jumping jacks into squats and lunges.

They then informed us that we are going to do a "Fit Test" that we will repeat in our 12th week to show how far we have come.  It is a list of exercises and we were to do each one for one minute each and record our reps.  

Here is a list of the exercises (though I don't remember the order they were in):

body weight squats
medicine ball slams
bicep curls
push ups
medicine ball crunches
tricep presses
medicine ball twists
steps (on step from step aerobics)

So they showed us the exercise and then timed us for a minute on each one.  We then had a short break while we wrote down our number of reps and got ready to go on the next one.  After we finished all of them ~ and was feeling really proud of ourselves I might add ~  they announced that it was time to do it for real...and we had to do a minute of each with a 15 second recovery in between (which was barely enough time to write down our reps).  By the end of this most of us couldn't breathe and a few were gagging a little into their puke bucket (they oh so generously provided us each one with our names on it).

While we were thinking our hour must almost be over and, if not, then it must be time for a short break, they were telling us what station we were headed to next and to HUSTLE.  So off we go to 4 more stations:  up and down stairs, flipping the ropes (don't know the official name of this), blood and guts and pushing the heavy dummies up and down the warehouse floor.

It was after I finished this circuit that I found myself unable to breath.  Probably because I was hyperventilating.  So one of the EMT's had to come help me calm my breathing down.  As I was doing this, everyone else was on all 4's doing a bear crawl across the floor.  By the time I got to the floor, they were finished and on the other side of the room.  I got down to get started and couldn't do it.  I could go one or two movements but then my body would just give up.  Seeing my struggle, two amazing ladies (one trainer, Tracy, one there for support, Amanda, and both of whom have been through EFM before) got on either side of me and started talking me through it.  Having me go just 5 hand movements at a time.  And I know that everyone says that it's your brain that gives out, not your body, but it damn sure felt like it was my body refusing to go any further.  At one point, Tracy looked at me with tears rolling down her face and told me that she knows how it feels.  She's been there.  And that's what helped me get to the end of the bear crawl.  Was it easy?  Not one second of it.  Did I finish it?  Yes, finally.  Was I proud?  No, but I should've been.  Instead I was embarrassed and ashamed that everyone else had done it without the struggle that I had.  

It was at this point (as I'm laid out in the floor beside a few other people) that our hour had come to an end.  I'm still not sure how that 8 hours of torture all managed to take place in the span of only one hour.  But it was finally over.  

Sam and I were walking out and it was cold and raining, but I don't know that it even registered with either of us.  As he walked ahead of me to the car I remember yelling at him "if I ever come up with an insane idea like this again, please just tell me to kiss your ass and remind me of how we feel right now!"  And then as I followed Sam to the car I started crying.  I don't know why I was crying, but I couldn't stop.  It wasn't tears of pain (because I was numb by that time).  Maybe it was stress.  Maybe it was relief that it was over.  Maybe it was how overwhelming the workout had been.  Maybe I was just furious with myself that I was in this situation in the first place.  I don't know.  But for the rest of the night, anytime I tried to talk about it, I cried.  It was so emotional, and yet I don't understand why just yet.

After everyone got home, we all started posting on FB about the experience.  My husband and several other contestants were so upbeat and posting things like "We got this!" and "Can't wait til tomorrow night!"  And I just sat there and felt worse and worse.  I don't know that I "got this" and I would rather chew my own arm off than go back tomorrow night.  Several others did their blog on the EFM page and were very thankful and nice and hopeful.  I chose to put off doing mine until this morning, hoping that I would feel better about the whole situation.  Guess what?  I didn't.  And I refused to sugarcoat it on my blog.  I want everyone to know the true emotions I am dealing with.

All day long I have dreaded having another workout tonight.  I don't want to go back.  I want to stay home, snuggle up with my kids and a book and a pizza.  But then I look in the mirror and know where doing that will get me.  And I know that I have to go back.  I know that eventually I will share the same hope and positive feelings as the other contestants and I look forward to it.  In the meantime, though, I don't have to be filled with the hope and positive feelings, I just have to show up and do it.  I have to do it to the best of my ability, and that's all they can ask from me.  OK, it's not all they can ask, but it's all I can give them.

I really do hope that I will come out of my workout tonight feeling proud.  Feeling like I've accomplished something.  I've got to learn how to get my mind where it needs to be, and once it gets there, I have no doubt that I will be halfway there!

To keep up with the EFM contestants on FB, please "like" the page HERE!

Monday, November 5, 2012

If you never do, you'll never know!

About this time last year, I started hearing advertisements for a local gym that was accepting applicants for an "Extreme Fitness Makeover" and I got excited!  I printed the application and filled it out.  I posted about it on FB for some friends who I knew would also be interested in applying.  And then I never turned my application in.  Yes, I chickened out.  In the meantime, I had quite a few friends who did apply for the challenge and 4 of my friends were chosen!  (3 of whom would never have known about it if I hadn't told them about it!)

I watched my friends lose weight, lose inches, do things they never dreamed their bodies were capable of doing and make wonderful friends in their fellow competitors.  I was sooo proud of them, but damnit, I was also so furious with myself at not having the nerve to actually turn in my own application.  I should have been one of them, I should have been with them, changing my own life!

Fast forward to now...here I sit at my computer, approximately the same weight I was this time last year (and the year before that and the year before that...)  And Rome Athletic Club is doing another EFM.  I have been going back and forth about applying for it yet again.  Why?  Because I'm scared that I won't be able to keep up with them.  Because I'm scared that they will tell me that I can't lose weight unless I eat foods that I cannot stomach.  Because I'm scared that I will fail.  That's it, I'm scared that I will fail.

This past weekend I ran into a friend who not only competed in the EFM but won it (and has lost about 130 pounds in the process!) and she introduced me to the ladies in charge of the competition, telling them that if it wasn't for me she would not have known about the opportunity and that they needed to tell me to get my application turned in.  Seeing how happy and healthy my friend looked convinced me to come home, print the application and fill it out.  I have to write about why I want to be a part of the EFM, and I'm afraid that I am writing so much that they will throw my application out due to the fact that they don't have the time to read it!  After the deadline for applications has past, I will post exactly what my "essay" said.

And even though I was 99.9% sure I was going to turn it in, I got the final push that I needed last night.  How appropriate is it that my final push would come from a saying on a package from a fast food restaurant?!

Check this out:


I mean, seriously, how much more clear can it be? If I am chosen, am I going to be able to keep up?  I don't know.  Am I going to have to eat food that makes me gag?  I don't know.  Am I going to fail?  I don't know.  But like this says:  If you never do, you'll never know.  The only true way for me to fail at this point is not to try!

Even the statement below that one is speaking to me...it says "Live MAS" which means "Live More" and that is something that I need to learn to do. As a fat chick, I don't do a whole lot of living.  If it doesn't involve my couch, my computer, my car or my kids schools, I'm not doing it.  The world is passing me by while I stay safe and sheltered in my comfortable little cocoon.  I am missing so much by being fat and I am so hoping that I get the opportunity to learn how to Live MAS!!!!

Wish me luck ~ they will announce the 12 participants before Christmas!


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Baby steps, right?

Anyone who has ever decided that they want to lose weight has done it...you get excited about getting healthier, losing weight, looking hot, and you go out that day and buy a whole lot of healthy food.  You get it home with the greatest of intentions, only to find the next morning when you wake up that you aren't happy with your breakfast...and the lunch isn't as tasty as you hoped it would be...and then supper comes and you are absolutely famished, but you still manage to push through the good-for-you-meal and you end your day unsatisfied yet proud that you made it through day one.

Then you wake up on day 2 and dread getting up because you know your breakfast isn't going to be satisfying, and you're pretty sure that lunch and supper are going to be the same way, and before you know it, you have your nose stuck in the refrigerator looking for the leftover takeout fajitas that you had last weekend. 

If you have kids, this is increased about three million fold.  My husband and I are both overweight.  Two of my children are starting to show signs of following us.  The third would be but a medication he takes curbs his appetite.  So as you see, the food that I prepare must meet the agreement of 4 mouths other than just mine, otherwise four mouths other than just mine are unsatisfied and complaining about how hungry they are and that they want "real" food.

I've tried to change the way we eat more times than I can count.  But I've always tried to do it cold turkey.  I did a lot of thinking on it today and I have a few ideas that I am going to try.

  • First of all, we are going to start out with one "healthy" day a week.  This will be a day that I plan ahead with some of the more health conscious recipes that I have been "pinning"for months and never getting around to trying.  We will not do processed snacks or desserts on our "healthy" day, nor will we drink cokes. 
  • Because I am a baker at heart, my children are used to me baking desserts several times a week.   I am going to cut back on how often I bake and when I do, I am going to start experimenting with the lower fat/calorie desserts that I have seen. 
  • I have a list of healthy snacks and I am going to start buying one or two of them a week and offering them to the kids when they are hungry.
My hope is that after a few weeks of one "healthy" day a week, I can add an additional day...then later add another, and another.  This will give me time to figure out what recipes work and which ones don't, and it will help the kids to know I'm not throwing all the "good" stuff out at once. 

As everyone knows, it's not a "diet" it's a lifestyle change.  It has to last the rest of our lives, and if it takes six months to a year to get us comfortable with it, then so be it.  That time is going to pass regardless, so we might as well be working on our goals while it does. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds

I made this list several years ago, and I re-post it every so often when I need to see my original motivation in black and white. I have gotten more comments on my "100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds" than I have all of my other entries put together, so apparently many of you identify with at least a few of my reasons. I really needed this today, and for those of you who have as long a journey as I do, I hope maybe it will give you the motivation to keep going too! Feel free to comment and add your own reasons!!


100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds


100. I want to know what I look like with only one chin.



99. To not have to worry about whether I will fit in a booth at a restaurant.



98. So that I don't embarrass my children. School is hard enough without having a fat mom.



97. To wear low waisted jeans.



96. To go jogging with my boys.



95. So I never have to step foot in Lane Bryant again.



94. So my daughter will want to look like me.



93. So I never have to hear "you have such a pretty face..." again.



92. So no one will recognize me at my next high school reunion.



91. To not be the token fat chick in any given situation.



90. Because I want to live to see my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.



89. So I never have to hear the term "morbidly obese" pertaining to myself.



88. So my clothes aren't so big they could double as a tent.



87. So I don't get diabetes.



86. I don't want to be the fattest person in my family anymore.



85. I want to buy clothes in a regular store.



84. I want to learn Victoria's Secret!



83. I want to like my outside as much as I like my inside.



82. So I will want to have my picture taken.



81. So people will want to take my picture.



80. To not worry if my shirt shows a bit of my stomach.



79. I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.



78. I want a regular bath towel to wrap around me comfortably.



77. I want to put on sweats and look cute instead of like nothing else would fit.



76. I want to be able to walk more than a block without getting winded.



75. I want to fit more comfortably behind the steering wheel. My legs are short so I have to be pulled way up!



74. So I can fit behind the desks in my kids' classroom. (right, Christina? LOL!)



73. So I can comfortably paint my toe nails.



72. So I can wrestle with my sons and not worry about squishing them!



71. I want to be able to slide on the enclosed slides on playgrounds.



70. So I can turn cartwheels again.



69. To be able to cross my legs comfortably.



68. To swing in a swing at a playground without the sides digging into my legs.



67. To wear boots that will zip over my calves.



66. To get a haircut without worrying if it will make my face look even fatter.



65. To wear a bathing suit.



64. To be able to tie my shoes without propping my foot up on something.



63. To meet someone new without being wary that they are thinking how disgusting I am.



62. To have enough energy to keep up with my kids



61. Being able to ride a roller coaster without worrying if the bar will fit.



60. To run in a race.



59. To see the shock on peoples’ faces when they see me after losing weight.



58. Being able to keep up with other people.



57. No more stares from strangers (or random comments)



56. Feeling brave enough to speak in front of people.



55. Go to an indoor rock climbing wall and fit in the harness thingy they strap to you .



54. So I can tuck in a shirt.



53. I want to feel stronger.



52. To give my family a fighting chance of not having the same health problems as me.



51. To sleep better.



50. Being able to sit on my husbands lap.



49. Going for a run on a fall morning.



48. So I can wear a button up shirt without worrying about gaps.



47. So people won’t ask me when my baby is due.



46. Seat belts will fit properly.



45. Movie theater seats will be more comfortable.



44. To not feel like thin/healthy people are better than me.



43. So I can ride a bike again.



42. Feeling comfortable speaking to people with out having to think about what they think about me.



41. Not being so hard to move.



40. Not being called “heavy set” or “large”



39. So I can wear a sleeveless shirt.



38. So I don’t have to struggle to get up out of the floor.



37. To show my kids how to eat healthy.



36. To show my kids that playing outside is more fun than playing on the Xbox.



35. Being confident to go after things I really want in life.



34. To help my kids grow up never having to know what it feels like to be fat.



33. Learning to control my emotions rather than eat them.



32. To shop and cook healthier.



31. So my hubby’s clothes are soooo big there is no way I can wear them.



30. So I don’t sweat and look like I’ve been swimming just from walking to the mailbox.



29. So that the floor in my mothers hall doesn't creak so loudly when I walk down it.



28. So that when we eat at a restaurant, the server doesn't automatically look at me and say "and what are we having for dessert?"



27. I want to be able to get a massage without being self-conscious.



26. So I can get a pedicure or manicure without being afraid that the technicians are talking about how big I am in their native language.



25. So that I can become a lifetime WW member and not have to pay for meetings anymore!



24. To step on the scale in the doctors office and not see them move the bar over to "200" automatically.



23. To have the energy to keep my house clean instead of just sitting on the couch.



22. So that I can wear the same clothes from one winter season to the next winter season.



21. To get up from the floor without grunting and grabbing a hold of something to pull myself up.



20. To determine that I do, in fact, have collarbones in there somewhere.



19. So that the inside thighs of blue jeans don't wear out before the rest of the jeans.



18. To be able to talk about wanting to run a 5K and not have people look at me the way they currently do.



17. So that the gowns at the hospital and doctors office fit me...and I only have to wear one!



16. To finally wear shorts again.



15. So I can shop in Old Navy stores instead of just online, which is the only place to buy their "plus" sized clothes.



14. To no longer have multiple "X's" on my clothing tags.



13. To not weigh the same as a 6'5 offensive lineman.



12. So that I don't weigh more than the men in my family...and they are NOT small men.



11. To jump on my husbands back without fearing I will break it.



10. So I don't have to constantly hold my stomach in so it doesn't stick out quite as far over my pants.



9. I don't want to feel like my family talks about my weight when I'm not around.



8. To wear cute, sexy Halloween costumes...when you are fat, you can be a witch or a cow.



7. So that when I sit down I don't automatically cross my arms and rest them on my stomach.



6. To be able to stand up and look straight down to see my toes or the numbers on the scale.



5. I want to feel comfortable to join a class (aerobics, belly dancing, etc).



4. I want to have awesome "before" and "after" pictures.



3. I want to grow old with my husband.



2. I want to show other overweight people that you CAN lose the weight...if I can do it anyone can!



1. For once in my life, I want to be a HOT CHICK!!!!!

My Comfort Zone

Last night, I was watching "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" and something was said that I have been thinking about all morning:

Life begins when you step out of your comfort zone.

Hmm...in all honesty, I don't know that I have EVER found myself out of my comfort zone, and if I did, I am pretty sure that I jumped back over to the safe (albeit boring) side.  Yes, I lead a boring life.  Sometimes it seems as if I don't even know how to have fun.  I'm sure I did at one point, but those memories are foggy to nonexistent.  I have always assumed that I just was not one of those "fun" kind of people. You know the kind who are always going out and doing things and who actually have friends who ask them go to out and have fun.  I see online where "this" couple or family spent the evening with "that" couple or family and all the pics they post and how much fun they had.  I spent a lot of time being jealous that I wasn't one of "those" folks, and finally just came to the conclusion that I just don't have the type of personality that folks enjoy being around.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's the only conclusion I could come up with.

Last night on the show I was watching, the lady started out a lot like me...fat and introverted.  Every interest she had ever had had fallen by the wayside as the weight packed on.  As the show went on, she discovered that she loved riding bikes and actually getting out in the world and DOING things.  Things that took her out of her comfort zone.  Things that she would NEVER have done had she not lost weight.

I have never really thought that I allowed my weight to keep me from doing things...but now I'm thinking that I was wrong.  I am 35 years old and I have never sang karaoke...why?  Because I am so self conscious I didn't want anyone making fun of the "fat girl" trying to sing. I don't participate in games that I am afraid I will make a fool out of myself...why?  Because I am self conscious and I don't want anyone making fun of the "fat girl" who looks even more hideous playing the game.  I even once refused to take my kids to the park because it was hot and I would have to wear shorts.  In my mind, every single person there would be staring at the disgusting fat girl who actually had the nerve to come out in shorts, gross them out and ruin their day.  I have been invited to do an exercise boot camp, but I haven't gone.  Why?  Because I know I'm fat and out of shape and I feel like not only would I slow everyone else down (because they are all relatively already in shape), but I fear that they would look at me and wonder why I am even bothering...knowing it won't make a difference.  I could go on and on and on...

And because I don't try new things, I spend my days in my house.  And, as an extension of me, so do my children.  I don't want them growing up thinking that if they aren't 100% happy with themselves that they aren't worthy of having fun!  How stupid is that?!  And yet it is what I have fed to myself over and over my entire life.  Why is it so much harder to make ourselves understand what seems to make so much sense when we are saying it to other people?

I have to wonder...would losing the weight change this perception?  Would I be like the lady on the tv show last night and as the weight went down would the confidence level go up?  Or would I still be like I am now, afraid of embarrassing myself, breaking down in tears if someone laughs at me or looks at me with what I perceive as disgust?  Would I break free from the walls that are holding me in or would I still be a prisoner, unsure exactly HOW to break free?

I have missed out on so much of life, and I am scared that the rest of it is going to pass me by while I sit afraid, in my sad little safe life. 

If I only knew how to make the first step.