If you never do, you'll never know!

About this time last year, I started hearing advertisements for a local gym that was accepting applicants for an "Extreme Fitness Makeover" and I got excited!  I printed the application and filled it out.  I posted about it on FB for some friends who I knew would also be interested in applying.  And then I never turned my application in.  Yes, I chickened out.  In the meantime, I had quite a few friends who did apply for the challenge and 4 of my friends were chosen!  (3 of whom would never have known about it if I hadn't told them about it!)

I watched my friends lose weight, lose inches, do things they never dreamed their bodies were capable of doing and make wonderful friends in their fellow competitors.  I was sooo proud of them, but damnit, I was also so furious with myself at not having the nerve to actually turn in my own application.  I should have been one of them, I should have been with them, changing my own life!

Fast forward to now...here I sit at my computer, approximately the same weight I was this time last year (and the year before that and the year before that...)  And Rome Athletic Club is doing another EFM.  I have been going back and forth about applying for it yet again.  Why?  Because I'm scared that I won't be able to keep up with them.  Because I'm scared that they will tell me that I can't lose weight unless I eat foods that I cannot stomach.  Because I'm scared that I will fail.  That's it, I'm scared that I will fail.

This past weekend I ran into a friend who not only competed in the EFM but won it (and has lost about 130 pounds in the process!) and she introduced me to the ladies in charge of the competition, telling them that if it wasn't for me she would not have known about the opportunity and that they needed to tell me to get my application turned in.  Seeing how happy and healthy my friend looked convinced me to come home, print the application and fill it out.  I have to write about why I want to be a part of the EFM, and I'm afraid that I am writing so much that they will throw my application out due to the fact that they don't have the time to read it!  After the deadline for applications has past, I will post exactly what my "essay" said.

And even though I was 99.9% sure I was going to turn it in, I got the final push that I needed last night.  How appropriate is it that my final push would come from a saying on a package from a fast food restaurant?!

Check this out:

I mean, seriously, how much more clear can it be? If I am chosen, am I going to be able to keep up?  I don't know.  Am I going to have to eat food that makes me gag?  I don't know.  Am I going to fail?  I don't know.  But like this says:  If you never do, you'll never know.  The only true way for me to fail at this point is not to try!

Even the statement below that one is speaking to me...it says "Live MAS" which means "Live More" and that is something that I need to learn to do. As a fat chick, I don't do a whole lot of living.  If it doesn't involve my couch, my computer, my car or my kids schools, I'm not doing it.  The world is passing me by while I stay safe and sheltered in my comfortable little cocoon.  I am missing so much by being fat and I am so hoping that I get the opportunity to learn how to Live MAS!!!!

Wish me luck ~ they will announce the 12 participants before Christmas!

Baby steps, right?

Anyone who has ever decided that they want to lose weight has done it...you get excited about getting healthier, losing weight, looking hot, and you go out that day and buy a whole lot of healthy food.  You get it home with the greatest of intentions, only to find the next morning when you wake up that you aren't happy with your breakfast...and the lunch isn't as tasty as you hoped it would be...and then supper comes and you are absolutely famished, but you still manage to push through the good-for-you-meal and you end your day unsatisfied yet proud that you made it through day one.

Then you wake up on day 2 and dread getting up because you know your breakfast isn't going to be satisfying, and you're pretty sure that lunch and supper are going to be the same way, and before you know it, you have your nose stuck in the refrigerator looking for the leftover takeout fajitas that you had last weekend. 

If you have kids, this is increased about three million fold.  My husband and I are both overweight.  Two of my children are starting to show signs of following us.  The third would be but a medication he takes curbs his appetite.  So as you see, the food that I prepare must meet the agreement of 4 mouths other than just mine, otherwise four mouths other than just mine are unsatisfied and complaining about how hungry they are and that they want "real" food.

I've tried to change the way we eat more times than I can count.  But I've always tried to do it cold turkey.  I did a lot of thinking on it today and I have a few ideas that I am going to try.

• First of all, we are going to start out with one "healthy" day a week.  This will be a day that I plan ahead with some of the more health conscious recipes that I have been "pinning"for months and never getting around to trying.  We will not do processed snacks or desserts on our "healthy" day, nor will we drink cokes. 
• Because I am a baker at heart, my children are used to me baking desserts several times a week.   I am going to cut back on how often I bake and when I do, I am going to start experimenting with the lower fat/calorie desserts that I have seen. 
• I have a list of healthy snacks and I am going to start buying one or two of them a week and offering them to the kids when they are hungry.

My hope is that after a few weeks of one "healthy" day a week, I can add an additional day...then later add another, and another.  This will give me time to figure out what recipes work and which ones don't, and it will help the kids to know I'm not throwing all the "good" stuff out at once. 

As everyone knows, it's not a "diet" it's a lifestyle change.  It has to last the rest of our lives, and if it takes six months to a year to get us comfortable with it, then so be it.  That time is going to pass regardless, so we might as well be working on our goals while it does. 

100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds

I made this list several years ago, and I re-post it every so often when I need to see my original motivation in black and white. I have gotten more comments on my "100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds" than I have all of my other entries put together, so apparently many of you identify with at least a few of my reasons. I really needed this today, and for those of you who have as long a journey as I do, I hope maybe it will give you the motivation to keep going too! Feel free to comment and add your own reasons!!


100 Reasons to Lose 100 Pounds


100. I want to know what I look like with only one chin.



99. To not have to worry about whether I will fit in a booth at a restaurant.



98. So that I don't embarrass my children. School is hard enough without having a fat mom.



97. To wear low waisted jeans.



96. To go jogging with my boys.



95. So I never have to step foot in Lane Bryant again.



94. So my daughter will want to look like me.



93. So I never have to hear "you have such a pretty face..." again.



92. So no one will recognize me at my next high school reunion.



91. To not be the token fat chick in any given situation.



90. Because I want to live to see my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.



89. So I never have to hear the term "morbidly obese" pertaining to myself.



88. So my clothes aren't so big they could double as a tent.



87. So I don't get diabetes.



86. I don't want to be the fattest person in my family anymore.



85. I want to buy clothes in a regular store.



84. I want to learn Victoria's Secret!



83. I want to like my outside as much as I like my inside.



82. So I will want to have my picture taken.



81. So people will want to take my picture.



80. To not worry if my shirt shows a bit of my stomach.



79. I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.



78. I want a regular bath towel to wrap around me comfortably.



77. I want to put on sweats and look cute instead of like nothing else would fit.



76. I want to be able to walk more than a block without getting winded.



75. I want to fit more comfortably behind the steering wheel. My legs are short so I have to be pulled way up!



74. So I can fit behind the desks in my kids' classroom. (right, Christina? LOL!)



73. So I can comfortably paint my toe nails.



72. So I can wrestle with my sons and not worry about squishing them!



71. I want to be able to slide on the enclosed slides on playgrounds.



70. So I can turn cartwheels again.



69. To be able to cross my legs comfortably.



68. To swing in a swing at a playground without the sides digging into my legs.



67. To wear boots that will zip over my calves.



66. To get a haircut without worrying if it will make my face look even fatter.



65. To wear a bathing suit.



64. To be able to tie my shoes without propping my foot up on something.



63. To meet someone new without being wary that they are thinking how disgusting I am.



62. To have enough energy to keep up with my kids



61. Being able to ride a roller coaster without worrying if the bar will fit.



60. To run in a race.



59. To see the shock on peoples’ faces when they see me after losing weight.



58. Being able to keep up with other people.



57. No more stares from strangers (or random comments)



56. Feeling brave enough to speak in front of people.



55. Go to an indoor rock climbing wall and fit in the harness thingy they strap to you .



54. So I can tuck in a shirt.



53. I want to feel stronger.



52. To give my family a fighting chance of not having the same health problems as me.



51. To sleep better.



50. Being able to sit on my husbands lap.



49. Going for a run on a fall morning.



48. So I can wear a button up shirt without worrying about gaps.



47. So people won’t ask me when my baby is due.



46. Seat belts will fit properly.



45. Movie theater seats will be more comfortable.



44. To not feel like thin/healthy people are better than me.



43. So I can ride a bike again.



42. Feeling comfortable speaking to people with out having to think about what they think about me.



41. Not being so hard to move.



40. Not being called “heavy set” or “large”



39. So I can wear a sleeveless shirt.



38. So I don’t have to struggle to get up out of the floor.



37. To show my kids how to eat healthy.



36. To show my kids that playing outside is more fun than playing on the Xbox.



35. Being confident to go after things I really want in life.



34. To help my kids grow up never having to know what it feels like to be fat.



33. Learning to control my emotions rather than eat them.



32. To shop and cook healthier.



31. So my hubby’s clothes are soooo big there is no way I can wear them.



30. So I don’t sweat and look like I’ve been swimming just from walking to the mailbox.



29. So that the floor in my mothers hall doesn't creak so loudly when I walk down it.



28. So that when we eat at a restaurant, the server doesn't automatically look at me and say "and what are we having for dessert?"



27. I want to be able to get a massage without being self-conscious.



26. So I can get a pedicure or manicure without being afraid that the technicians are talking about how big I am in their native language.



25. So that I can become a lifetime WW member and not have to pay for meetings anymore!



24. To step on the scale in the doctors office and not see them move the bar over to "200" automatically.



23. To have the energy to keep my house clean instead of just sitting on the couch.



22. So that I can wear the same clothes from one winter season to the next winter season.



21. To get up from the floor without grunting and grabbing a hold of something to pull myself up.



20. To determine that I do, in fact, have collarbones in there somewhere.



19. So that the inside thighs of blue jeans don't wear out before the rest of the jeans.



18. To be able to talk about wanting to run a 5K and not have people look at me the way they currently do.



17. So that the gowns at the hospital and doctors office fit me...and I only have to wear one!



16. To finally wear shorts again.



15. So I can shop in Old Navy stores instead of just online, which is the only place to buy their "plus" sized clothes.



14. To no longer have multiple "X's" on my clothing tags.



13. To not weigh the same as a 6'5 offensive lineman.



12. So that I don't weigh more than the men in my family...and they are NOT small men.



11. To jump on my husbands back without fearing I will break it.



10. So I don't have to constantly hold my stomach in so it doesn't stick out quite as far over my pants.



9. I don't want to feel like my family talks about my weight when I'm not around.



8. To wear cute, sexy Halloween costumes...when you are fat, you can be a witch or a cow.



7. So that when I sit down I don't automatically cross my arms and rest them on my stomach.



6. To be able to stand up and look straight down to see my toes or the numbers on the scale.



5. I want to feel comfortable to join a class (aerobics, belly dancing, etc).



4. I want to have awesome "before" and "after" pictures.



3. I want to grow old with my husband.



2. I want to show other overweight people that you CAN lose the weight...if I can do it anyone can!



1. For once in my life, I want to be a HOT CHICK!!!!!

My Comfort Zone

Last night, I was watching "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" and something was said that I have been thinking about all morning:

Life begins when you step out of your comfort zone.

Hmm...in all honesty, I don't know that I have EVER found myself out of my comfort zone, and if I did, I am pretty sure that I jumped back over to the safe (albeit boring) side.  Yes, I lead a boring life.  Sometimes it seems as if I don't even know how to have fun.  I'm sure I did at one point, but those memories are foggy to nonexistent.  I have always assumed that I just was not one of those "fun" kind of people. You know the kind who are always going out and doing things and who actually have friends who ask them go to out and have fun.  I see online where "this" couple or family spent the evening with "that" couple or family and all the pics they post and how much fun they had.  I spent a lot of time being jealous that I wasn't one of "those" folks, and finally just came to the conclusion that I just don't have the type of personality that folks enjoy being around.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's the only conclusion I could come up with.

Last night on the show I was watching, the lady started out a lot like me...fat and introverted.  Every interest she had ever had had fallen by the wayside as the weight packed on.  As the show went on, she discovered that she loved riding bikes and actually getting out in the world and DOING things.  Things that took her out of her comfort zone.  Things that she would NEVER have done had she not lost weight.

I have never really thought that I allowed my weight to keep me from doing things...but now I'm thinking that I was wrong.  I am 35 years old and I have never sang karaoke...why?  Because I am so self conscious I didn't want anyone making fun of the "fat girl" trying to sing. I don't participate in games that I am afraid I will make a fool out of myself...why?  Because I am self conscious and I don't want anyone making fun of the "fat girl" who looks even more hideous playing the game.  I even once refused to take my kids to the park because it was hot and I would have to wear shorts.  In my mind, every single person there would be staring at the disgusting fat girl who actually had the nerve to come out in shorts, gross them out and ruin their day.  I have been invited to do an exercise boot camp, but I haven't gone.  Why?  Because I know I'm fat and out of shape and I feel like not only would I slow everyone else down (because they are all relatively already in shape), but I fear that they would look at me and wonder why I am even bothering...knowing it won't make a difference.  I could go on and on and on...

And because I don't try new things, I spend my days in my house.  And, as an extension of me, so do my children.  I don't want them growing up thinking that if they aren't 100% happy with themselves that they aren't worthy of having fun!  How stupid is that?!  And yet it is what I have fed to myself over and over my entire life.  Why is it so much harder to make ourselves understand what seems to make so much sense when we are saying it to other people?

I have to wonder...would losing the weight change this perception?  Would I be like the lady on the tv show last night and as the weight went down would the confidence level go up?  Or would I still be like I am now, afraid of embarrassing myself, breaking down in tears if someone laughs at me or looks at me with what I perceive as disgust?  Would I break free from the walls that are holding me in or would I still be a prisoner, unsure exactly HOW to break free?

I have missed out on so much of life, and I am scared that the rest of it is going to pass me by while I sit afraid, in my sad little safe life. 

If I only knew how to make the first step.