Monday, June 11, 2012

My Comfort Zone

Last night, I was watching "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" and something was said that I have been thinking about all morning:

Life begins when you step out of your comfort zone.

Hmm...in all honesty, I don't know that I have EVER found myself out of my comfort zone, and if I did, I am pretty sure that I jumped back over to the safe (albeit boring) side.  Yes, I lead a boring life.  Sometimes it seems as if I don't even know how to have fun.  I'm sure I did at one point, but those memories are foggy to nonexistent.  I have always assumed that I just was not one of those "fun" kind of people. You know the kind who are always going out and doing things and who actually have friends who ask them go to out and have fun.  I see online where "this" couple or family spent the evening with "that" couple or family and all the pics they post and how much fun they had.  I spent a lot of time being jealous that I wasn't one of "those" folks, and finally just came to the conclusion that I just don't have the type of personality that folks enjoy being around.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's the only conclusion I could come up with.

Last night on the show I was watching, the lady started out a lot like me...fat and introverted.  Every interest she had ever had had fallen by the wayside as the weight packed on.  As the show went on, she discovered that she loved riding bikes and actually getting out in the world and DOING things.  Things that took her out of her comfort zone.  Things that she would NEVER have done had she not lost weight.

I have never really thought that I allowed my weight to keep me from doing things...but now I'm thinking that I was wrong.  I am 35 years old and I have never sang karaoke...why?  Because I am so self conscious I didn't want anyone making fun of the "fat girl" trying to sing. I don't participate in games that I am afraid I will make a fool out of myself...why?  Because I am self conscious and I don't want anyone making fun of the "fat girl" who looks even more hideous playing the game.  I even once refused to take my kids to the park because it was hot and I would have to wear shorts.  In my mind, every single person there would be staring at the disgusting fat girl who actually had the nerve to come out in shorts, gross them out and ruin their day.  I have been invited to do an exercise boot camp, but I haven't gone.  Why?  Because I know I'm fat and out of shape and I feel like not only would I slow everyone else down (because they are all relatively already in shape), but I fear that they would look at me and wonder why I am even bothering...knowing it won't make a difference.  I could go on and on and on...

And because I don't try new things, I spend my days in my house.  And, as an extension of me, so do my children.  I don't want them growing up thinking that if they aren't 100% happy with themselves that they aren't worthy of having fun!  How stupid is that?!  And yet it is what I have fed to myself over and over my entire life.  Why is it so much harder to make ourselves understand what seems to make so much sense when we are saying it to other people?

I have to wonder...would losing the weight change this perception?  Would I be like the lady on the tv show last night and as the weight went down would the confidence level go up?  Or would I still be like I am now, afraid of embarrassing myself, breaking down in tears if someone laughs at me or looks at me with what I perceive as disgust?  Would I break free from the walls that are holding me in or would I still be a prisoner, unsure exactly HOW to break free?

I have missed out on so much of life, and I am scared that the rest of it is going to pass me by while I sit afraid, in my sad little safe life. 

If I only knew how to make the first step.

1 comment:

  1. You have always been an inspiration to me. I do think when we lose weight that our confidence goes up. I've been in both places, and when I was smaller, I tended to do more. I am also self conscious about the way I look. I want to be that person that works out all the time, but I feel like at this point in time, I don't fit the "mold" so I stay in my comfort zone, or rather my hiding place. Because no one judges me there.

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