Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wow. Just wow.

I spent a lot of time writing the blog before this one. A lot of thought went into it. I'm not real sure what happene,d or what "clicked" in my mind, but when I finished with it, I suddenly knew. After 30 years of overeating and the past 15 trying to figure out WHY I eat like I do, I know. I have gone back in my mind more times than I can count trying to figure out if there was something that happened in my past that caused me to form these behaviors, and have never come up with anything. Today, though, it's like a door opened and there it was. And I realize now that it has affected every aspect of my life, from how and why I eat, to why I don't have close friends, to even why I don't like making telephone calls. There is very little in my life that I can't trace back, in some way, to this reason. I'm not going to go any further into it here, because I still have a lot to sort through in my mind, but I am just shocked that it's been there all along, right under the surface, and just broke through today.

Hmm...now that I am realizing my reasons, though, what do I do with it?

Compulsive Overeating

***Just a warning...if you are here for upbeat, "I'm doing great" stuff, then I recommend going elsewhere, LOL! If you want serious, introspective "why" type writing, then keep reading.***

I have not been posting for a while because, once again, the old motivation is gone and has been replaced by the compulsive eating. I'm not down or depressed over it, though, I am frustrated and want to figure out why I do it! This is a hard blog to write...cause I know that people will read it. People I know will read it. The only reason I am actually putting it out there is that I am thinking that there are a lot of people like me...people who were a normal weight once, yet who have never had a healthy relationship with food, who have gained large amounts of weight over the years, and who yo-yo up and down 5 or 10 or 50 or even 100 pounds and want to know why...why they are fat, why they can't stick to a healthy way of eating and why they just can't be "normal."

The majority of my family is thin...not skinny thin, but healthy thin. And I always feel like I'm not as good as they are when we are all together. (I even shake my head when I re-read that...how crazy!) Like they are judging me on how I look. Are they? I have no idea, probably not. But in my mind, they see me and are disgusted...they wonder how on earth I can live with myself looking like this...they think I have no self control. I feel like when we talk that they only look at my chins and my fat and not in my eyes...in retrospect, I know that this is not the case, but in my mind, this is what is going on. After reading this, I would assume that the things I imagine my family thinking about me are actually things that I think about myself, but won't admit it, even TO myself. I think these thoughts keep me from giving more of myself to my family, and they also keep me from trying to find good friends. I fear people judging me on the outside and not bothering to know the inside. Or maybe I'm afraid they won't like the inside too...I don't know. I have plenty of "surface" friends, those I talk to on FB or see at my kids' schools or pass at the mall...but I have VERY few that I feel comfortable showing "me" to.

At this website www.mirror-mirror.org/compulsive.htm, I found the following information.


Compulsive overeating is characterized by uncontrollable eating and consequent weight gain. Compulsive overeaters use food as a way to cope with stress, emotional conflicts and daily problems. The food can block out feelings and emotions. Compulsive overeaters usually feel out of control and are aware their eating patterns are abnormal. Like bulimics, compulsive overeaters do recognize they have a problem.

Compulsive overeating usually starts in early childhood when eating patterns are formed. Most people who become compulsive eaters are people who never learned the proper way to deal with stressful situations and used food instead as a way of coping. Fat can also serve as a protective function for them, especially in people that have been victims of sexual abuse. They sometimes feel that being overweight will keep others at a distance and make them less attractive. Unlike anorexia and bulimia, there is a high proportion of male overeaters.

The more weight that is gained, the harder they try to diet and dieting is usually what leads to the next binge, which can be followed by feelings of powerlessness, guilt, shame and failure. Dieting and bingeing can go on forever if the emotional reasons for the bingeing is not dealt with.

In today's society, compulsive overeating is not yet taken seriously enough. Instead of being treated for the serious problem they have, they are instead directed to diet centers and health spas. Like anorexia and bulimia, compulsive overeating is a serious problem and can result in death. With the proper treatment, which should include therapy, medical and nutritional counseling, it can be overcome.

Signs and Symptoms

*Binge eating
*Fear of not being able to stop eating voluntarily
*Depression
*Self-deprecating thoughts following binges
*Withdrawing from activities because of embarrassment about weight
*Going on many different diets
*Eating little in public, while maintaining a high weight
*Believing they will be a better person when thin
*Feelings about self based on weight
*Social and professional failures attributed to weight
*Feeling tormented by eating habits
*Weight is focus of life


I have always read/heard that if you are overweight, there is a reason. You just have to dig deep to figure it out. Well, I've always disagreed loudly with that, swearing that I'm obese because I just love food. While that is (obviously) true, I'm starting to believe that there is more to it. If it were just food, then I should be able to work through that and lose weight. It's not that easy for me, though. It's not like it's baby weight that I've got to get rid of, or even an extra 5 pounds that has crept on over the last few years...I have 120 pounds that needs to come off! You don't get that overweight without having some serious stuff going on in your head, whether you want to admit to it or not. I generally choose "not" and just stick to my "I just love food" excuse.

Without going into too much detail, I will just say that yes, I have almost, if not all, of the signs of symptoms of compulsive overeating. That is so difficult to realize, much less type! Being fat is the only thing it's still ok to make fun of...there are more "fat" jokes than there are "blonde" jokes...people will still poke each other and point out the fat people in the mall or at restaurants and not even try to hide it! We get dirty looks for just "being", even if we are minding our own business, playing with our kids or enjoying time with a spouse...apparently it's perfectly acceptable to treat a fat person badly. And here I am admitting that I AM FAT! (as if you didn't already know that) Have I experienced these things? Yes. I usually pretend not to notice them for fear of upsetting myself even further. And even now, after typing this, I am afraid that you, who are reading this, are judging me, even more so than before you started reading it. Not only am I just fat, but I'm also a compulsive overeater who may never figure out how to break out of it!

Anorexia and bulemia are recognized as eating disorders and everyone knows about them. Compulsive overeating is also an eating disorder ~ just not one that people know about or want to talk about. It's much easier to just assume that the fat people you meet are just lazy, nasty, unclean people with no self control who don't care how they look...that all they have to do is quit eating and they will get better. It's just not that easy though! If you are reading this and you don't suffer from this, then thank God. Seriously, stop what you are doing right now and thank God. I'm not saying that you don't have trials and problems, maybe even weight problems, of course you do, but this is a problem that there just is very little help for. Doctors treat anorexia and bulemia, but I've called a few of those who say they treat "eating disorders" and they don't treat compulsive overeating! It's that "taboo" disorder that maybe if no one treats it or talks about it, then it doesn't exist. I know better though...there are too many of us "morbidly obese" people out there for this to be a disorder that can be swept under the rug. There has to be SOMEONE who can help people like me!

I went to the website for Overeaters Anonymous, just to see what I could find out about it...unfortunately there is not a meeting here in Rome. That's kind of sad to me, because we have so many morbidly obese people in this area...I can't help but wonder if I were to start an OA group here, would any of these people want to help themselves and join? Or are they to the point that I am getting close to, where they think that this is just how it is...they are fat, they are laughed at, they aren't as good as other people, and they don't deserve help? It would be a lot of work, but if there are other people out there who feel like I do, then it might be worth it. I have to do something to work through whatever issues I have, cause if I don't help myself, no one is going to seek me out and do it for me.

I have a lot more I want to get deeper into, but this has to be it for now...I have a lot to think about.